Men in Black II (2002)

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Men In Black II (2002)

Should have quit while they were a head

As Tso said when reviewing Big Trouble, it's hard to classify Barry Sonenfield. But if I were to sit down and give him any advice, I'd tell him to throw in the towel on comedy/sci-fi flicks and go back to the crime/humor approach that seems to work so well for him. Men In Black II fails to deliver what its predecessor did so well, mostly because of a poor execution of a passable story idea.

Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are, once again, agents Kay and Jay, protecting the earth from scum and villainy, blah blah blah. Jay is neutralizer-happy with his new partners and can't seem to keep his stride working with anyone. However, when an alien vineyard transforms itself into a hottie underwear model (Laura Flynn Boyle) and starts tearing up MIB headquarters to find something called the Light of Zartrow or Zanex or something like that (when will these goofy names stop already? wasn't Count Dokkuu bad enough in Attack of the Clones?), Jay has to go back and retrieve his retired partner, who's been working as a postal clerk these past several years. Good premise, but Robert Gordon and Barry Fanaro's treatment leaves much to be desired, while Sonenfield apparently didn't learn anything about how to avoid CGI-failure from the ill-fated Wild Wild West.

It was a lot more fun in the first MIB when the prime villain, bug-man Vincent D'Onforio, was more than a little unsettling and even more grotesque. This baddie speaks with a hipster style and shoots vine-covered tentacles out of her fingers, reminding me of the Venus Flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors. If she could sing and tell funny jokes, we might have something to work with here. MIB II goes overboard with the cutesy humor as well--before, the little pug-dog alien Frank (Tim Blaney) had a short but hysterical cameo. Here, in the proud tradition of bad-cop-teamups, he actually goes cruising with Jay, delivering a growly rendition of "I Will Survive" and dispensing advice about everything from sniffing butts to watering the lawn. Great, more labored kiddie appeals. Give it another two years, and Frank will have his own miniseries on ABC.

I could go on and on about the dissapointments in this movie. So I will.

The special effects are too left-field to really be entertaining. In his climactic mano y whatevero, Jay goes head-to-head with a Rocky Horror Picture Show casting reject, dodging multiple aerial heads cackling and tossing him around. The problem is, he's moving way too slow, and he's way too centered in the screen to do anything but remind us that it's all a simulation (unlike the famous baby squid birth scene in the first movie). The plot has too many left turns, further confounded by seemingly useless and annoying story developments and characters. A light has to be taken off Earth or else Earth will be destroyed. Okay, fine. Kay had a thing for the alien princess who delivered it. So? Jeebs (Tony Shalhoub) still gets his head blown off habitually, only to reinflate itself. What, this hasn't been done before? Jay has something going with local pizza girl Laura. So? The worms are cutting back on cigarettes but increasing their dialogue. Come on, let's keep actors in the movie business and cut back on the CGI characters. Serleena's two-headed lackey (Johnny Knoxville) shows off his second head, but no humor, and is apparently discarded halfway through the film. If only we could choose a few others to follow suit.

You heard it here, folks. Black is an appropriate color for these gents--they're about to be buried. Hopefully real soon.

-Long