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What did the masses have to say about this?
In
my heydays as a reporter, we had a phone service called NIU Speaks, where just
about any idiot could call, spout off one opinion or another, and see it printed
in a matter of days. Usually people were neutral about my writings, but this
time...
"Craig
Long should stop writing. We figured out the reason why he is in on Friday
mornings is because since this is a take home campus, everyone is gone so they
publish him on Fridays when everyone is gone."
"This is
for Craig Long and his column. I just want to say, `Who cares!' You suck!"
"If
Craig Long keeps writing the way he is, the FBI is going to think he's the
Unabomber."
"What
was the deal with Craig Long's column Friday? Was he supposed to be Craig Gump?"
"For
all you bean-heads that are picking on Craig Long why don't you shut up and get
off the band wagon, because Craig Long is the best damn reporter I've seen in a
long time at this school. Yeah!"
"I
would like to commend Craig Long on a truly remarkable column on Friday. It was
one of the few honestly sincere pieces of literature I have ever read in the
Star."
"Hey,
if it was a choice between reading Craig Long and watching Family Matters,
I'll take the Long way home any day! I'm drunk! Woo ooo!"
"This
is Craig Long. Thank you all for reading my crappy column on Friday. To those of
you who apparently hated it beyond words, let me offer my most sincere
apologies. In order to placate the dissatisfied readers out there, let me offer
some suggestions for column ideas next week:
1.) How to
criticize anonymously: Learn the basics of cowering behind a faceless guise
so no one can place your ignorance with your identity.
2.) Ten different ways to give away your illiteracy: Although dialect is
seldom transcribed in NIU Speaks, what would happen if we started including your
stammers and drug-addled banter? "Uh yeah, like, that column like, sucked,
you know? (laughs) Hey, walking sucks too!"
3.) The many masks of homophobia: Dr. Abe R. Rant brings forth
statistical evidence that venemous barbs against a media figure reveal a latent
homosexual attraction. I.e. my critics want to pork me! Good god, I'm
going to have to start buying bigger shirts to cover my ass!
"This
is for Craig Long. Craig , I think your wit is starting to rub off on your fans.
I don't ever hear complaints about how you suck any more. Good deal."
"To all
of Craig Long's critics out there, where are you hiding now? Did he insult your
masculinity, or did he reveal a lack thereof?"
Copyright 2001 Tso Long Productions ©