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By now (2002 as I write this), the whole Star Wars craze is about to crank up again with the release of Attack of the Clones in a few short months. In 1999, even though we knew differently, the entire country seemed to be waiting with bated breath, impatient to join in a collective orgasm as we got to witness, after a twenty-year hiatus, lightsaber fights, droids beeping, and someone saying "May the Force be With You" without it being part of some stupid joke or battery commercial.
Though Tso will damn me for a hypocrite here, I'm one of the fans who felt cheated at the movie's premiere (though I remain a loyal fan and have since borrowed Tso's videocassette copy of the movie repeatedly). I sat through almost two hours of action, special effects and adventure and realized that this movie had all of the things the original trilogy had...except characters and a story. Two essential ingredients that can never be replaced, not even with all the computers in the world.
Well okay, the lightsaber duel was incredible--that's become my primary attraction in the entire series. But it's just not enough--Lucas is losing it. The original Star Wars series worked well not because of his screenwriting, but in spite of it. His stories were probably at the same level as this one, but with screenwriters like the late Leigh Brackett assisting, you've got a formula that can't miss. In Phantom, the central element of the series is defeated right from the start. In other words, we don't give a fart in a phone booth about what happens to anyone.
First of all, the characters just don't cut it. Instead of the irreverent Han Solo, we get the stiff-as-a-board Panaka. Instead of a tall, formidable yet trustworthy Wookie, we get a speech-impaired kids-oriented Gungan (think Dan Cortese meets Grandmaster Flash). Instead of an irrepressible upstart Jedi-in-training, we get a Cabbage Patch doll with a Huck Finn haircut.
Second of all, the story doesn't cut it either. Instead of a gripping story with friend saving friend, lover rescuing lover and fighter shooting down fighter, we've got a bunch of people who come off more like chance acquaintances at a cocktail party than dashing sci-fi epitomes. Instead of gripping suspense and adventure, our heroes race back and forth from planet to planet, staying just long enough to squelch off a few hamfisted lines, maybe wave around a lightsaber a few times, and then race off to the next planet to do something political (ugh). "Excuse me, Master, but what planet did we just leave?" "Shut up, Obi-Wan, and say something neutrally rebellious so we'll keep in line with what you said to Luke back in Jedi."
On the pro side, there are some incredible effects in this movie (rivaled that year only by The Matrix, which is rigorously advocated by its own geek fan club), and some incredible Jedi ass-whuppin'. I'll undoubtedly be waiting in line for Episode II come May, but while I do, I'll be praying for a story that moves somewhere more defined, and hoping for Jedis I can root for and bad guys I can hiss at. I might find them in Attack. I won't find them in Phantom, no matter how many times I borrow it.
(Anyway, Tso, can I borrow it again?)
--Long
Copyright 2002 Tso Long Productions ©